How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
Even in paradise, God has revealed to me what a wretched soul I am. He has reminded me that it’s only through His grace that I am set free.
Since I was a little girl, I’ve struggled with reality that life simply is not fair. It’s what I call “the red-headed step-child syndrome.”
It began with Lisa and her pink canopy bed. That was a defining moment for me. I wondered what Lisa did to get such a beautiful bed in her very own room. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was because she had her very own daddy and those are the things that good daddies give their little girls.
I learned early on how to rationalize what I considered why I was so disadvantaged. With pink canopy beds, it was because of daddies. When I compared myself to those with perfect bodies it was because they had great genetics and I have a hypothyroidism. If I saw that someone had a better car or house it was because they were valued more than me. And let’s not even begin to discuss ministry….
No matter what, I could find a way to rationalize why they had something that I didn’t.
And then I would begin my complaining campaign with God. I would spend hours, days, or weeks complaining that life isn’t fair. I never considered myself to be coveting what someone else had because I didn’t want them to have to give it up so that I could have it —- I just wanted it too! And I would never have labelled myself as jealous because that sounds simply horrible. I’d just complain that it wasn’t/isn’t fair.
And the comparing and complaining only made me feel worse about myself. I would go from complaining about what I didn’t have to hating what I did have and, ultimately, hating myself for being such a wretched soul.
And you know what? Even in paradise people have lots of things I don’t have and bodies that I could work a million years for and never attain.
As i am once again faced with the wretchedness of my own soul, I have the opportunity to decide if I will destroy paradise with comparing and complaining or choose to count my blessings. Rather than thinking about the things I don’t have, I can choose to spend that time being grateful for all that I do have.
And it’s that attitude of gratitude that will allow me to enjoy paradise in all of it’s fullness.