Jamie the Very Worst Missionary
I’m not fat. …I’m skinny-fat.
Ok, so The Very Worst Dietbet starts today! (The pot has grown to over $19,000! And it’s not too late to join us!!)
Gotta say, I’m super stoked because I know I’m going to end in the cash. I just will.
Losing weight is something I know how to do. I’m actually kind of good at it. Unfortunately, I’m also really good at gaining weight. Like, sit me down with a large pizza and a diet Coke and everybody be like “Mmm, get it girl.” when they see me pack it in! I can EAT.
Skinny-fat. It’s a thing.
I’m not saying I’m fat, I’m not fat. Actually, I am what they refer to in medical journals as a “skinny-fat person”. Pretty sure that’s the scientific term for someone like me, whose body appears to be normal, healthy, and average weight when it’s covered by clothes but, upon further inspection, is found to be made almost entirely of lard and marshmallow. I am not kidding. Once, many moons ago, I let a personal trainer at the gym pinch me with a medieval torture device to measure my percentage of body fat. Afterward, he looked at me, utterly confused, like, “How are you even holding yourself up right now?”
So anyway. My dietbet goal (and, more importantly, the goal for my ongoing overall health and wellness) is not so much to lose weight, but to shed my fluffy outer layer of flesh, and replace it with this other thing I’ve heard of called muscle. I know it seems impossible but I’ve done it before; when I was thirty I had a six-pack, you guys. And not the beer kind.
Actually, I was super trim when we moved to Costa Rica. Then I spent five years eating white rice, fried plantains, and Tronaditas®, while I sat on my ass watching it rain. When I moved back to the U.S. two years ago, I was twenty pounds heavier and squishy all over. Though I don’t think I would have been described as fat, it was the heaviest I’ve ever been. When one of my boys (yes, of course it was Dylan) poked my muffin top and his finger disappeared to the first knuckle, I knew it was time to get the squish situation under control — but in a smart, healthy, long-term, non eating disorder kind of way. That very day I made a few changes to my diet and lifestyle which made a huge different, fast. I know if I stay the course for the 28 day Dietbet challenge, I’ll easily meet the 4% weightless mark. And I thought, as part of my #39things, it might be nice to share a few of the things that are helping me tighten, smooth, shrink, tone, and strengthen this hot flabby mess.
(For the record – because you’re probably wondering – I am not a doctor, nutritionist, kinesiologist, personal trainer, life coach, Crossfit cult member, Pilates instructor, or fitness blogger. So if any of these suggestions would be bad for you to do, don’t do them. Okie dokie? Cool.)
Put down the doughnut and pick up a dumbbell. Cardio is awesome and we should all do cardio, but weight lifting builds muscle and muscle eats fat by raising your resting metabolism, or something like that. That way, when you’re laying around power watching Netflix, your body is cranking through the calories. Seriously. ADD SOME WEIGHTS TO YOUR WORKOUT!
Dump carbs like an old boyfriend who stole money from your wallet and used your car to drive to Vegas with his other girlfriend… I mean, um… Cut out carbs. If convincing yourself you’re gluten intolerant helps you choose a big salad over a sub sandwich, go for it. Don’t lie to your server, but ditch the bread. Inside of your body, bread turns into sugar and sugar makes fat fatter. That’s no bueno.
Dress the part. Working out is hard enough without the added embarrassment of having to wear your husband’s holey old gym shorts in public… or your wife’s yoga pants. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to grab a pair of running tights and a good fitting sports bra, or whatever dudes wear, so treat yourself to something you’re not mortified to be seen in. (I’ve become a big fan of Fabletics – get a whole outfit for $25! Or, for guys stuff, check out Amazon!)
Equip yourself properly. You need shoes. I know good shoes can be a bit of an investment, but when a workout gets really tough, your shoes can make or break your will to live. Shop the sales if you need to, but whatever you do, get yourself a decent pair of kicks.
Eat real food. Oddly, this is way harder than it sounds. But almost everything that comes in a package is filled with poison. … Ok, fine. Maybe I’m being a little bit over-dramatic… but POISON.
Trick a friend into suffering with you. I am one of the biggest introverts on the planet, so when my friends first invited me to work out with them, I was like “Nope.”, but eventually I relented and it’s the best thing ever! I push myself a lot harder when I work out with a friend than I do alone. And we laugh a lot, which makes us forget that we want to die.
Don’t listen to me. Do what works for you!
And that’s it. That’s all I’ve got.
To celebrate the launch of The Very Worst Dietbet, I’m giving away a $50 Fabletics gift card. WHAT?! (I’m sorry dudes, this is a total chick raffle. But you would be a HERO if you won this for your wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, auntie, neighbor, cousin, or that cutie in the corner cubical who you’ve never actually talked to except for in your head. Soooo….)
Your first outfit from Fabletics is only $25!
Alright. Let’s do this thing. READY?…SET?…. DIETBET!!!
Posted: 15 Sep 2014 05:00 AM PDT